Cupcakes and flashbacks

July 9, 2011

So I was making cupcakes with Kadie (3.5) today and we were both making decent gorilla noise impressions (as you do).

So naturally an old friend came to mind.

This is a friend who I’m technically not friends with anymore. We were friends for close to 2 decades and had a falling out some years ago. I kept the incriminating emails and reread them recently. I must say, with a few years of distance from the emotions at the time, I feel quite sad when I see the words which caused so much damage. I was on a pretty high horse back then and I’m sure that contributed to the problem.

But the point I really wanted to make was how strong her presence in my mind was while baking. I just suddenly knew how much that scene would have tickled her.

I’m struck by how connected I still feel to people I haven’t spoken to in years. It’s like the emotions of a relationship has a scent which lingers for years. And I feel it keenly. This characteristic of mine is  hard to cope with at times, because I have so many good friends who live far away from me. It’s not like I can catch up with them over a pint when the spirit moves me.

It also means that I don’t really let people go. I hold on to the memories and can recall how a moment felt, even if I can’t remember where I was exactly. I collect relationships if you will. I’m on good terms with most of my ex’s. I have friends who I’ve known since I was 9. But even if I’m not in touch with people I still care about them. They’ll pop into my head at random moments when something I associate with them happens and I can feel love welling up inside.

It can be pretty hard. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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One Response to “Cupcakes and flashbacks”

  1. Wendy said

    Sooooo there with you. Equal parts sentimental and fool. 🙂

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